Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Fundraisers use time machine to determine campaign goal

Metro’s largest charity knows exactly how much money to raise for their new capital campaign thanks to their time machine. The Honking Hospital Foundation used the device to go forward four years into the future to determine that their new campaign should have a goal of $30 million.

The time machine, perfected by their fundraising consultants using alien technology acquired from a spaceship crash landing in Nevada, was able to give the Foundation regular insights on how their campaign progressed over the four year period.

“Figuring out how much our goal should be was easy when we could go to the campaign’s closing event and see us announcing we had raised $30 million,” said Foundation Executive Director Spooley Snidely. “Also, I didn’t realize how great I look.”

The time machine was used a total of 39 times during a one month period to go into the future and study various aspects of the campaign including fundraising, marketing, board governance, finance and the weekly staff 50-50 draw. Each time, Snidely and her fundraising consultant, Dr. Dibble Brewer, were able to walk into the future and interact with people there. The results they brought back were invaluable.

“Making our donor gift matrix was hard until I stepped through the time machine’s portal to ask myself who were the campaign’s biggest donors. I got done in one afternoon what would have taken me weeks to figure out and I also got all those weirdo gifts from left field that no one can ever predict,” she said. “Plus, I found out that my spouse was about to cheat on me in about a year from now because I was overbearing and emotionally distant.”

The trips into the future were also able to determine the name and brand of the campaign and what capital projects attracted the most donors and which ones were duds. Snidely also discovered that a pipe in the bathroom would burst during a cold snap two years from now, that her director of finance would be in a terrible car crash and that Snidely was going to get a major bonus.

“Knowing all these things would come to pass I took action. I divorced my husband, got our landlord to replace the pipe, fired the finance guy and bought a new house,” bragged Snidely. “There’s nothing but blue skies for the next four years.”

One of the greatest successes came in planned giving, said Snidely.

“We determined which donors died during the campaign on one of our visits. When we got back we told each one of them how much time they had left and then asked them to put us in their will. It worked like a charm.”

In a twist, Snidely also used the time machine to go back in time as well. He was also able to predict which members of the board would oppose her request for a future bonus and a secret about each of their pasts that they would rather not be divulged in a board meeting.

The machine, which resembles a prop from a bad sci-fi movie, uses the ebbs and flows of the forces of time to create a window into the future. Powered by a nuclear core and taking a team of 300 to operate from a secret location beneath a mountain in the Alberta foothills, the device is only being used for good, says creator and project director Dr. Brewer.

“We were approached by several government organizations, some bookies and older movie stars who were trying to get their careers back on track to use the device, but we said no. We wanted to use the machine to create goodness instead of badness,” he said. “And besides the best financial offer we got was from the fundraising industry.”

Unfortunately, not everything can be determine through a time machine. The Foundation’s board of directors ended up firing Snidely last week because of the $31 million price tag for using the time machine. Still Snidely was optimistic as she cleaned out her office.

“I really do think it was worth it. I can say without a doubt that I was successful in this campaign…at least in another reality. And best of all, I found out the winning number for next week’s lottery so I really don’t care what happens to the Foundation. Up theirs”

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Charities say mandatory salary disclosure will make employees realize how little they are paid

Charities across the region are objecting to the new mandatory salary disclosure regulations being implemented by government. They say that once their staff realize just how shitty their pay is most of them will actually try and find real jobs.

The legislation, due to come into force next month, will force charities to reveal the salaries of all their employees.

“This is terrible. Now, everyone will know just how lousy our pay scale is, especially our employees. We won’t be able to hide the fact that we pay them peanuts anymore,” said Felton Snidely, the head of Metro’s largest charity, the Snidely Community Foundation. Snidely is also president of the National League of Big Honking Charities, which opposes the new law.

Snidely says that when his staff of 30 find out what they and their colleagues actually make they will begin to demand an actual living wage.

“We’ve been exploiting our staff members for years. We paid them very little, never gave them raises and offered the worst benefits we could possibly find. Most of them were oblivious to this, until now. We’re not sure what their reaction will be. Some may actually demand we pay them something that approaches minimum wage,” he said.

The legislation was created in response to complaints about huge charity CEO salaries. However, charities say that the real problem will be when everyone under the CEO finds out how they have been ripped off all these years.

“We’re not worried about how CEO salaries will look to the public,” said Dibble Brewer, CEO of the Metro Greeney Nature Trust. “I mean everyone expects people like me to make too much money. And besides, most charities have just spent the past month re-jigging their CEO salaries so that they look less gold-plated. The real problem is when my community and office workers find out I pay them less than what they would make at a fast food restaurant.”

The Trust won a recent award from the National League of Big Honking Charities for paying their workers as little as possible. The award, given in secret, noted that the Trust had been so innovative in hiding what workers make that many staffers actually thought their jobs were worthwhile and fulfilling.

“All that hard work has now been wasted because of this new law,” said Brewer.

Snidely says the law is part of a new trend that is making charities nervous.

“Up until now, the two biggest things that charities have been able to hide is the crap they pay their workers and what their overhead is. With this law, we’re seeing the end to all that is holy about charity work. It’s getting so bad that we actually might start having to be transparent about everything,” he said.

For their part, charity workers are in a state of shock about the new disclosure law.

Lorraine Tibble is an education officer at the Trust. She says she found out that instead of the nice salary she thought she was getting she actually winds up paying her employer minimum wage each year. “I was wondering where my money went. I guess I didn’t pay attention to my pay stubs. Geez.”

Furley Burley, a former accounting clerk at the Foundation, found out that she was being paid  in Japanese Yen instead of Canadian dollars. “I thought I was making $56,000, but it turns out it was 56,000 Yen. That’s about $750 Canadian.”

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Archeologists discover caveman fundraiser burial ground

A team of archeologists have discovered what they believe to be the world's oldest ancient fundraiser burial ground in a cave in southern France.

The cave, near the town of St. Coup, 200 kilometers south of Paris, was found by a group of scientists from the University Northern Southern Idaho two months ago during a dig for ancient caveman ruins in the area. It contained a number of cave drawings that scientists say prove that our distant ancestors were fundraising more than 200,000 years ago.

The discovery was published the Journal of Archeological Fundraising & Gift Planning.

"We happened upon the cave by accident," said lead researcher Dr. Fowl Snidely. "One of our party had to have a pee while we were in an ancient cave system and got lost. That's when we found the drawings."

The six drawings include pictures of people and mammoths in a variety of groupings. Snidley says the drawing could represent the first fundraising database.

"We've got several entries here where the cave dwellers here carved out entries of their donors. One had two wives, three dogs and had reportedly killed many mammoths -- a major donor to be sure. They carved a line between that entry and another one farther down the rock face, indicating a soft credit," said Snidely.

The reserarchers have been able to determine from the drawings that the cave was once home to a thriving charity that had at least three dozen annual donors and issued nearly twice that number of tax receipts, mostly in rock slate, but sometimes on tree bark or on the skulls of unfortunate donors who chose not to give that year. The bones of several small animals were found in a small pit indicating that the fundraisers were probably paid in food or just liked dead things.

"We found the bones of several cave people who were likely venerated fundraisers. They were buried in their workplace -- a true testament to how much they were held in esteem. However, one of my colleagues thinks that these souls were actually killled and then eaten by their fellow fundraisers for not meeting their donation quotas. We found several teeth marks on their bones," said Snidely.

The find also included several attempts to smash cavemen's skulls into the rock. This, scientists concluded, was the first attempt to use "face book" in fundraising.

The find predates the earliest known example of fundraising, which was found in Eygpt near the Foofi Pyramid outside Alexandria. There, a centuries old pillar bears the markings of Conviox, the ancient Eygptian god of the underworld who was in the shape of a half-man, half-locust. Scientists believe most ancient cultures -- Mayans, Babalonians, Greeks, Romans and the Tea Party movement -- all had some form of fundraising. The one famous exception was the the ancient Persians, who rejected fundraising and instead were the first to develop social investing until a plague wiped them out in 850 BCE.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Organized Crime turning to Planned Giving instead of Loansharking

Police say that criminal gangs across the globe are using a new technique to raise money – Planned Giving fundraising.

The Centre for the Study of International Bad Guys released a new study that says the Mafia, the Russian mob, biker gangs, LA street gangs, the Japanese Yakuza and parts of the Tea Party movement are all turning away from traditional loansharking operations and embracing Planned Giving. The study found that more and more criminals are asking unwitting victims to put a charitable donation to a criminal foundation in their wills. Other, more sophisticated gangs are using complicated life insurance or stock swap schemes that give victims unprecedented tax savings and give the criminals hard cash for their evil purposes.

“Loansharking dried up after the mortgage crisis in the US. The loansharks couldn’t compete with US banks who would give a mortgage to anyone who looked remotely alive, and even a few dead people. The criminals had to look for another source of income, and many have turned to Planned Giving,” said FBI spokesperson Brewer Snidely.

Experts agree the new wave of Planned Giving has largely been undetected by police forces around the world. To date only a handful of criminals have been brought to justice for the fundraising schemes. In the US, the FBI recently raided the offices of the Foundation for Thugs, a New York-based charity that convinced more than 2,000 people to leave donations in their wills.

Testifying before a US senate committee, ex-Foundation CEO Director of Finance turned prosecution witness Wendell Osborne said that his organization was really a front for the infamous Cannelloni Mob, and a few area hospitals.

“We’se would go up to guys we knew and tell ‘em that they should leave a legacy for they’se children of tomorrow by putting a small donation to our Foundation in their will. We figured that in five years, maybe ten, we’d have a steady source of revenue from the Foundation to do charitable things wit, like rub out other Planned Giving operations that was on our turf,” said Osborne.

Police seized several truckloads worth of evidence from the Foundation’s offices, including 100,000 tri-fold brochures explaining the benefits of a reverse insurance planned giving investment.

“We’se told them they get real tax savings today, and makes the world a better place tomorrow and stuff. All along, though, we was up to no good.”

The money that the Foundation received went into a charitable education fund to help teach disadvantaged inner city youth about careers in the mob, including a cool website, brochures, some branded hoodies and a wicked hot video.

Other legitimate charities have been reporting that their client base for Planned Giving has been drying up.

“Already three times last week some of our planned giving donors were roughed up by hoodlums asking them to increase their tax savings and help build an endowment to help the children of tomorrow. One of our planned giving officers was even threatened with a knife at our booth at a community fair by gangsters who said we were on their ‘turf’. It’s getting hot out there,” said Snidely Hospital Foundation CEO Dennis Drumming.

Police are warning people, especially seniors, to be on the lookout for criminals representing evil Foundations asking for planned giving donations.

“Chances are, if they have a lot of tattoos and wear a lot of leather and gold necklaces and stuff, they’re not legitimate planned giving officers,” advises FBI spokesperson Brewer Snidely. “And if their Foundation has a name with ‘evil’, ‘bad’ or ‘criminal’ in it, that’s a giveaway, too.”

Still, police say telling good guys from bad guys in the Planned Giving world is hard because both offer genuine legacies for the future and rich tax benefits. Last week, police in Ontario arrested the staff of an entire hospital foundation by mistake when they saw that the charity was asking people for planned gifts.

Despite many promising leads and the testimony of several witnesses US prosecutors have so far failed to make a case against the Foundation for Thugs. The case had to be dropped when Osborne, their star witness, was assassinated by two women who claim they used to work for her in the Foundation’s finance department.  

Monday, January 16, 2012

Charity wins international award for stalling tactics about overhead costs

The Foundation's EX-CEO
Metro’s largest charity has won an international award for trying to hide the true cost of their overhead. The Snidely Hospital Foundation took home the gold award in the 20th annual International Charity Awards held in Geneva, Switzerland last week. They become only the second Canadian charity to win the coveted “Anti-Transparency Award”. 

“I am so very pleased to accept this award on behalf of all of my colleagues at the Foundation,” said Foundation CEO Dennis Drumming. “We all worked very hard to make it impossible for the public and our donors to tell just how much we spent on overhead last year. It really was a team effort. ”

 The “Anti-Transparency Award” is given out to the charity that best demonstrates how to confuse, mislead or distract the public from understanding the true nature of its administrative overhead and expenses. This year’s competition was one of the toughest on record, with more than 200 nominations from 23 countries. The nomination from a mental health agency in North Korea was favoured to win because of their inherent expertise in hiding everything that is true about everything. In a startling upset, the North Koreans place second.

“We had a lot of competition this year, that’s for sure,” said Drumming. “Some people say that the Koreans got silver because their despot died or something, but I know that our Foundation put one heck of a submission together.”

The Foundation’s multi-part program for hiding their overhead involved more than sixteen different strategies and the work of nearly all 30 staff members.

“We realized that most people are too dumb to understand read financial reports, so we published more than two dozen incomplete financial statements. It would take most people a century to figure it out. And when they asked us for the numbers, we just kept referring them back to the financials. It was a hoot seeing them going round and round in circles!” said Drumming.

To further the confusion, the Foundation didn’t publish an annual report this year. Instead their website linked to their Hospital’s annual report. Causing even more head-scratching, the hospital lists some of the Foundation’s expenses and the Foundation lists some of the hospitals expenses.

“When donors did ask us, we told them with a straight face that our numbers were absolutely in line with the benchmark standard. I just made that up, but for most of them it seemed to work,” concluded Drumming.

 “We bullshitted and confused everyone time and time again until almost all of them gave up,” said Drumming. “That’s why we won the award. It’s not every charity that can hide the fact that their overhead is 57%. We are just one hot organization. And now that I have this award, I can leave this miserable hole and go work for one of the really big charities that pay three times better and…uh, did I say 57%? Shit.”

In a related story, Drumming was fired from his job because of an investigation by tax authorities.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Department of Homeland Fundraising suspends $1 Trillion campaign because of terrorist threat

THE WHITE HOUSE -- Officials at the Department of Homeland Fundraising have suspended their massive $1 Trillion fundraising campaign to help save the country from financial default. The "Give or Else" campaign, the largest fundraising campaign in history, was called off after FBI officials revealed a terrorist plot was behind the low number of donations to the campaign.

"Our campaign was perfect, and after one whole month we were well on our way to raising the $1 trillion we need to save the federal government from defaulting on our debt. Then, this happened. We'll have to suspend the campaign...for the safety of all Americans," said President Obama.

Officlas blame the plot on noted miser and evil scientist Dr. Miserly, a resident of Plano, Texas who lives at home with his parents. FBI officials recently recovered a death ray machine from Dr. Miserly's evil lair which they suspect he used to stop donors from making donations. The campaign raised only a little more than $1,000 from a half-dozen donors.

"There's no doubt in our minds that the reason people didn't give was because of some kind of terrorist plot or something and not because they didn't care or anything,"said one Department official.

Police have issued this picture of Dr. Miserly. They caution that Dr. Miserly is very evil and should be approached with extreme caution.

Dr. Miserly

Go to the Department of Homeland Fundraising website.

Monday, January 2, 2012

The winners of the first annual NP LOL People's Choice Awards have been chosen. People from across Canada, the US and Australia went online in December to pick the funniest story and animation of 2011 from the NP Humour Blog. The awards featured 13 nominees in two categories -- stories and animated features.

The winner of Best NP Humour Story of 2011 was “God turned down on grant application to create humankind.”  The story about God’s grant making abilities garnered 30% of all votes. The runner up, “New strategic plan lasts only 20 minutes”, took 15.0% of the votes.

In the best animated feature category “Local charity asks manger to donate salary and work for free” won top honours with 30% of the vote.

NP Humour Creator John Suart says the NP LOL People's Choice Awards was the perfect finish for the comedy site’s first year.

“When we started, no one knew who we are or what we were doing. Some even thought these were real stories. But we’ve managed to grow from just one fan to just over 8,500 in one year. It shows that there’s an appetite for humour in the non-profit sector,” said Suart.

Suart says the site is now looking for partners to make it grow even more.

The NP Humour website for the not-for-profit sector started in early 2011 and officially launched Nov. 18. It's the only site of its kind in the world. The site combines text, imagery and animation.