Monday, March 5, 2012

Spy Foundation secretly surpasses campaign goal

The Mission Impossible super-secret fundraising foundation for spies says it has met its target for the “IMF Ghost Campaign”.

In a statement from their secret location in an underground bunker beneath CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia the IMF Secret Foundation issued a coded statement saying that the three year campaign had met all its “mission objectives” with a minimum of casualties and no additional threats to homeland security.

“The Ghost Campaign mission is completed. All agents and strike teams stand down. Set Condition Green. Message ends. Thanks for your ongoing support” was all that the statement said.

Purported to be the most secret fundraising project ever created, the Ghost Campaign was aimed at all IMF agents across the globe, their allies and even some members of evil agencies who recognized the tax advantages of making a planned gift of their life insurance policy before the IMF assassinated them. All the details of the campaign, including the fundraising target, the identities of the fundraisers and case for support were all kept on a need-to-know basis. Not even the head of the agency, Ted [NAME WITHHELD] was not given all the information when he officially launched the campaign from a secure computer room inside the IMF lair that was air tight, had heat-seeking lasers, a pressure-sensitive floor and only one small ventilation grate at the top of the room that no one could ever access because it would be virtually impossible to do so.

Reportedly, the agency used a team of disavowed agents led by super-spy Ethan [NAME WITHHELD] to lead the campaign. The rogue team operated below the IMF radar collecting data on potential major gift prospects and then executing impossible missions to solicit them for donations. If at any time, any member of the team was killed or captured during a fundraising mission, the agency would deny any knowledge of them. 

In series of incredibly sneaky and action-packed missions the team struck across the world at donors. In one case, they used a helicopter inside a tunnel to jump on to a high-speed to make an $20 million ask. In another, the team used life-like masks to impersonate other people to break into a secret facility to deliver a pledge notice. And in yet another, the team was sprung from a maximum security Russian prison inside the Kremlin after securing pledges from most of the top leadership of the KGB and a few henchmen who were surprisingly easy to kill. The team, which includes a svelte, terribly beautiful female agent, a funny, high-tech wizard and a mastermind who can think his way out of any situation, has an amazingly successful fundraising track record. No one has ever turned them down for a donation…and lived.

The campaign used the agency’s advanced technology to reach donors. This included the ability to impersonate any human and some dogs and cats, a special computerized, thumb-print-activated online donation machine which is no bigger than a credit card and a brochure which dissolves after it’s read. The donation database created for the campaign was made by the same scientists who made the agency’s NOC list and kept under even tighter security.

Thanking donors is important in any fundraising project, but the Ghost Campaign was different. It took special pains to build a secret donor wall which used specially created 30-bit decryption code names that ten super-computers worked on for more than six months and can’t be broken by any normal human being, except the evil genius expected to be introduced in the next movie series.

It is not known what the money raised will be used for, but sources say it might include several new buildings and special benevolent funds. One capital item on the menu supposedly is a new [NAME WITHHELD] Memorial Gymnasium at the IMF Centre. Another possible use is a fund to provide death benefits to the hundreds of people killed during the campaign. And yet another supposedly under consideration is a new wing at the IMF Home for Retired Agents to house the most dangerous and insane members of the agency who cannot be trusted to regular retirement facilities because of what they know.

Like a blockbuster movie, another fundraising campaign is being readied even now. Sources say it will be even more visually stunning, contain less plot, more love scenes and have more funny and beautiful characters.