Thursday, May 3, 2012

New social media launched to squeeze more money out of donors

Look out Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest, here comes a new social media designed to find donors and squeeze every last cent out of them. Call Give Me All Your Money, the new social media is set to be launched next month.

Created by a conglomerate of some of the world’s largest donation software makers and charities, Give Me All Your Money is designed to specifically for fundraising organizations who want to truly engage their donors on a very deep level…and then take them to the cleaners by getting them to make extremely large donations.

“Our research found that current social media just wasn’t working for fundraising. I mean, Facebook is only being used for fundraising in something like two percent of the charities in the US. We needed something that would deliver a crushing, wrenching, fatal blow that would squeeze as much money out of our donors wallets as possible and still make them like us. So, we decided to make our own social media,” said Give Me All Your Money project manager Maurice Snidely.

Users of Facebook and Twitter will recognize the Give Me All Your Money interface, which looks very much the same as every other social media platform. Users can sign up to be “friends”, “like” certain activities, share messages, photos and videos and play inane and ultimately mind-numbing games.

Give Me All Your Money differs from other social media in that it uses proprietary metrics and search algorithms that brain-wash the donor into giving all their money to charity while simultaneously infecting their computer or smart phone and running off with their banking information. The result, says Snidely, is that Give Me All Your Money delivers 17 times the fundraising power as Facebook and 200 times as much as Twitter.

“With Give Me All Your Money you don’t have to actually make up content to inform, educate or entertain them. It works like a spider’s web. Donors run into, are caught and then the charity sucks their carcasses dry and discards them for the next meal. It’s very smart,” he said.

According to recent studies, it only takes a few minutes of looking at photos and reading “fake” information about the charity or its events to completely empty the donors’ minds and convert them into donation automatons. Most don’t even know they are being sucked dry until they wake up with a hangover the next morning not knowing what happened.

Developed by a software team familiar with online brainwashing from North Korea, the system is one of the most sophisticated social media platforms in the world. Users have to have a degree in computer science and zoology to operate it. Early tests on mice found that Give Me All Your Money was so powerful that it would actually make some animals heads implode while they gladly gave up their cheese and time in the spinning wheel thingy that all lab rats use.

Charities are thrilled with the new social media platform. The League of Big Honking Charities was part of the group that developed Give Me All Your Money.

“Our members were so tired of having to post all that content and stuff to Facebook. Most of them just hired some kid to do it because they couldn’t figure it out. And they never knew what to say,” said League CEO Dibble Brewer.

“We realized that instead of trying to create new ways to communicate  with donors and engage them we’d rather just brainwash them and take all their money. We couldn’t do that with Facebook, but now we can with Give Me All Your Money.

Not to be out done, reports say Facebook, Twitter and several other social media organizations are rushing to create their own fundraising platforms that squeeze donors just as hard or harder. One report says a skunk works team at Google has developed a method to turn donors into full-time slaves who are willing to sell their organs to support charity.

“We’re very proud of the system we’ve created. It will really make a difference for some of the charities in the world and for the donors they suck dry,” said Snidely. “And that’s what philanthropy is all about.”