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| The Snidely Bosom |
Scientists at CERN, the European
Organization for Nuclear Research, say they have made a major breakthrough in
the understanding of both physics and philanthropy. The team says it has
discovered a particle that appears to be consistent with the Snidely Bosom, the
so-called “God particle” that explains how philanthropy works at the subatomic
level.
Two independent research teams, working with CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the world's
largest and highest-energy particle accelerator, came to the same conclusion
after months of study.
“The new particle we
observed has all the trappings of the Snidely Bosom – the theoretical particle
that explains everything about philanthropy and some other stuff about mass,
gravity and whatnot,” said Dr. Dibble Brewer, Chief Scientist for CERN’s
research team. “We still have much work to do, but I think we’ve made a major
breakthrough. So much so, that I have no problem asking for a better parking
space now.”
Researchers used matter taken from living philanthropists
and placed it in the LHC, which runs through a tunnel 27 kilometres (17 miles)
in circumference 175 metres (574 feet) beneath the Franco-Swiss border near
Geneva, Switzerland. The matter, mostly made up of skin samples from Ivey League
donors, was then blasted through the LHC to collide with protons from donation
forms at the other end of the tunnel at a speed of 2.76 TeV per nucleon.
After admiring the colourful “splat” pattern the experiment
created they then measured the weight of the resulting subatomic particle. The
CERN team found a "bump" in their data corresponding to a particle
weighing in at 125.3 gigaelectronvolts (GeV) - about 133 times heavier than the
proton at the heart of every atom.
“It was so tiny, we used a toy measuring scale from an old Barbie
set – the one where she wanted to be a nuclear physicist and have Ken stay home
and look after the kids. But it worked!” said Brewer.
The Snidely Bosom was created by super-fundraiser Sid Snidely in
the 1970s at the University of Southern North Dakota’s foundation. Snidely argued
that fundraising could not be explained by current theories of physics. He
theorized that a subatomic particle which he called “Bob” likely held the key
to the understanding of the forces of the universe, such as gravity, mass,
planned giving and social media.
“The Snidely Bosom will give us the answers we have been looking
for, such as why people give, how they can give again and what kind of cola
they prefer,” Snidely wrote just before he was downsized by the University and
replaced with a 27-year old fundraiser who made twice as less.
CERN Scientists say the existence of the Snidely Bosom will radically
change philanthropy. They predict that fundraisers will be able to create
capital campaigns that are thousands of times more powerful than any existing
today.
“In the very near future, fundraisers will be able to use a simple
scanning device to see who will give and who will not. And when people give,
fundraisers will have the ability to use subatomic physics to make them give at
any level. And they will also be able to make donors stop asking for their tax
receipts early and complaining about other annoying stuff,” said Brewer.
On hand for the announcement, Snidely told the media and fellow
scientists that he was overjoyed to be the center of attention again and plans
to become a motivational speaker.
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THURSDAY, APRIL 19, 2012
