|Dan's cool office|
Ravenous staff at Metro’s largest charity have been circling the office of one of their former co-workers looking to take it over, steal the furniture or take the computer.
The feeding frenzy at the Metro Environmental Trust began yesterday morning when the office’s former occupant, Communications Manager Dan Wortmeyer, was terminated by Executive Director Spooley Snidely. Snidely, who never liked how Wortmeyer, decided to downgrade the position to that of a communications coordinator, who makes 30 percent less and who does not warrant a nice office, chair or computer.
“I heard about Dan. He was a nice man and he did good work. It was unfair how he was treated. But then I started thinking about his office and especially that nice chair he has. I knew I wanted them,” said co-worker Terry Baileyhead, who works in planned giving.
“I will really miss Dan,” said another co-worker, Turnip Oblivion, a fundraiser. “He was so funny. They were really mean the way they got rid of him just like that. I wonder what they will be doing with his computer? I think he would have wanted it to come to me.”
Snidely called together the staff in the Trust’s lunch room to tell them Wortmeyer had been canned, just as she had done two weeks earlier with fundraiser Cybil Nofairing and two weeks before that with direct mail officer Stanley Carving. As soon as the one minute meeting was over, the feeding frenzy surrounding Dan’s office began.
Finance Manager June Overlander was seen snooping around Dan’s office right after the meeting. She looked at his computer and then sat in his chair and started testing it out. As soon as she left, fundraising manager Lulu Bell was seen in the office looking at the desk and prints on the wall. Several other staff members visited the office. One took Dan’s potted plant. Another helped herself to Dan’s prized stapler, which office lore had always said was totally reliable and never jammed.
Snidely had to step in after lunchtime when she saw four staff members in Dan’s office searching the drawers of the main desk for snazzy pens and other knickknacks. She ordered the door of Dan’s office closed and the contents inventoried.
|The staple that won't jam|
“This is almost too much to take. She took all the good stuff – even the damn stapler,” said Honey Hollybrook, an office worker. “It’s a crime the way she treated all of us…oh, and what she did to Dan was bad, too. But the stapler thing, that was really evil. My stapler always jams.”
“This was a very sad day. We really lost something this morning. We aren’t what we used to be because of what happened. I’m talking of course about Dan’s office furniture and his cool office supplies,” said Tony Armanhammer, a fundraiser. “Too bad about Dan, too.”
The office will be kept closed until Snidely makes up her mind who to let go next, which should happen after she has stapled together the new budget using Dan’s stapler which never jams.