Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Hospitals fight over last remaining volunteer under 60

Searching for the last volunteer

Metro’s five hospitals are pulling out all the stops over the recruitment of Stephanie Smith, 35 – the region’s last remaining volunteer under the age of 60.

Smith, a stay-at-home mother of two, told some of her friends last month that she like to do some volunteering, perhaps at a local hospital. That set off a chain reaction among the five local hospitals, who don’t have a single volunteer under the age of 60.

“We heard from someone we know that Stephanie was looking for a volunteer role. We immediately activated the hospital’s emergency plan and put together a senior team to deal with the crisis,” said Metro General Hospital volunteer coordinator Mel Snidely. “Our entire hospital and the health care of Metro was at stake – we needed to get this woman before one of the others did.”

Stephanie and daughter
But Snidely says their attempt to visit Stephanie in her cute, two storey bungalow was foiled when they saw an ambulance from Metro University Health Center in Stephanie’s driveway. The Center’s volunteer recruiter, Dibble Brewer, was already inside talking to Stephanie along with the Chief of the Medical Staff and the Chair of the Board.

“We monitor all of the General’s volunteer communications on a regular basis,” said Brewer. “We need able-bodied volunteers more than they do and when we heard them talking about this women under the age of 60 who lived on Main Street we tracked her down. Then we took an ambulance to get their ahead of them.”

But Snidely and her team were surprised when halfway through their introduction to Stephanie the Metro Trauma Center’s huge Sikorsky S-76 Medevac helicopter landed in the backyard. A minute later the Trauma Center’s Volunteer Recruitment SWAT team had taken Stephanie and whisked her away in the chopper.

“We’ve been developing infrared technology that allows us to spot volunteers under the age of 60 anywhere in Metro,” said Metro Trauma Center’s Vice-President of volunteer acquisition Liz Bailey. “It’s new technology that we’ve been piloting for about a month. When we flew over Main Street the volunteer alarm started going off and that’s when we spotted those devils from the University Health Center. We knew we had a situation.”

Bailey and her SWAT team gave Stephanie several brochures to read while she was strapped down on a gurney for the 15 minute flight to the Trauma Center. But when they landed, things went terribly wrong.

Instead of the Center’s volunteer processing team, Bailey and her group were confronted by masked and armed commandos from the Metro Cancer Hospital at the Trauma Center’s rooftop heliport.

“They had overpowered our people, tied them up and donned their clothing in order to trick us. We landed and opened the door to find ourselves looking down the barrels of five automatic rifles being wielded by men dressed all in black,” said Bailey. “Drat, it was the Cancer Hospital’s mysterious black ops volunteer rescue unit that we’ve always heard of.”

The Cancer Hospital commandos took the gurney with Stephanie stilled strapped to it and rappelled down the side of the building with ropes. They then put Stephanie into a disguised laundry truck and drove off into the night.

“We have an inside man in the Trauma Center volunteer coordination staff, so we knew what was going on. It was the perfect snatch. We were in and out and no one knew we were there,” said Hans Banz, the volunteer recruitment team leader for the Cancer Hospital. “That’s when the ninjas from the Children’s Hospital struck.”

About a block from the Cancer Hospital the truck was stopped by a group of child ninjas who blew out the truck’s tire with throwing stars. One-by-one the commando team was struck by silent blow darts that rendered them unconscious. The small ninjas entered the truck freed Stephanie from the gurney. They then slung her over their shoulders and ran off into the shadows.

Once safe within the Children’s Hospital underground ninja dojo volunteer recruitment interrogators realized that the person they had taken was in fact Stephanie’s next door neighbour Spooley Featherstone, who was in fact 65 years old and did not want to be a volunteer.

“Those fools at Metro General had gone to the wrong house,” said Ninja master Billy Jones.