Thursday, September 20, 2012

INSTANT REPLAY: Charities download everything back on government

INSTANT REPLAY: Here's an oldie but a goodie that didn't get enough play when it came out.

Saying they were “tired of this shit”, the nation’s charities have announced that they have decided to download all the community services they deliver back to local, regional and national governments.

“For years, we’ve been carrying the ball for government. We did all the hard work and came up with all the good ideas and they just kept underfunding us. We’ve had it,” said Ferrel Snidely, President of the National Charities League. “And when they told us recently that they were going to download even more crap on us, we decided to download on them first. We’re finished with them.”

The charities plan to turn over all the community services they do across the country to government starting next Tuesday. This includes health, human services, education and anti-poverty services, work to save animals and the environment and more. In all, more than 20,734 programs will be handed back to government. Most of them have been operated by charities with some sort of government funding for years.

“We’re sorry it had to come to this,” said Turner Hu, the CEO of the Council of Mental Health Charities. “But they’ve been messing with us for years. Now, we’re messing with them. It’s that simple.”

The last straw, say insiders, was when the government started to talk about a UK-style “Big Society” agenda that would “give more power to local community agencies”.

“When we heard that we realized they were going to screw us big-time,” said Snidely. “At the same time they were talking about giving us all this power they we’re telling us we’d have to do more with less.”

Snidely says the leaders of the National Charities League simply had had enough. So, they requested a meeting with government and told them the nation’s charities would be downloading all their services back.

“The government guys were all smirking and giggling when they told us about their new imposed arrangement. But when we told them we were downloading everything back on them they were mortified. It was worth it just to see the look on their faces.”

People who use charity-delivered services are being asked to call their local government offices next week and ask for information on how to access the downloaded services they need. Snidely says he’s not very confident that the government will be able to do as good a job as League members do.

“They’re idiots. God alone knows how they will screw this up, too.”

Government leaders are at an emergency meeting trying to figure out the next steps. Reports in the media say the government is considering “double downloading” back on charities, but worry that charities will, again, download right back at them.

Another alternative being considered is to download every community service program in the country on Grace Vorhees, 72, a retired school teacher who lives alone in Metro’s Sunnyside Retirement Center and who was said to be a “tireless go-getter”.