Thursday, September 13, 2012

North Korea says internal fundraising campaign reaches 1,000% participation rate

North Korea has announced what it calls the world’s most successful internal fundraising campaign. North Korean leader Kim Jong-in announced at the First People’s Congress in Pyongyang yesterday that the “Dear Leader Campaign” had reached an unprecedented 1,000 percent participation rate.

“We must thank all of the workers, soldiers and sailors of our nation for their unprecedented generosity to the Dear Leader Campaign,” Kim reportedly said. “The American imperialists who think they know everything about internal fundraising campaigns are now quaking in their boots as they see the will and power of the North Korea people. We are now the best internal fundraisers in the world.”

“America capitalist universities and their inferior hospitals should be taking lessons from us on internal fundraising,” he said to wild cheers and applause.

The announcement, accompanied by a ten hour parade through the streets of the capital, was the first indication of the fate of the two-year long internal fundraising campaign, which aimed to raise an unspecified amount of donations from North Koreans. Kim’s father, Kim Jong-il, began the communist country’s first internal fundraising campaign just before his death. It claimed a 120 percent participation rate and raised $25,000 US. The recent campaign was named after Kim Jong-il, who was obsessed with American-style fundraising and vowed to make North Korea a world fundraising super-power.

Run by the Army, the Dear Leader Campaign asked every man, woman and child,  most of the countries pets and farm animals and many people and animals who are technically dead to make a modest donation to help pay for new 100-foot tall bronze statue of Kim Jong-il riding a horse, drinking French champagne and eating his favourite snack – corn chips.

Officials said the whole country got behind the campaign. Nuclear missile technology was used to build a massive fundraising database to track donations and to identify those who betray the People's Revolution. More than 5,000 secret police officers were pressed into service as fundraisers. Ten of the largest gulags were converted into "donor stewardship" facilities for the campaign. A 50-foot tall, two mile long Soviet-style donor wall was built for the campaign in a government bunker near the capital. The Army used tanks and armoured vehicles to deliver donation forms to towns and villages all over North Korea. 

“This is an amazing achievement,” said international fundraising expert Dr. Dibble Brewer. “The country is racked by hunger and poverty. Most of the economy is geared to making weapons. A decade ago, North Korea had no fundraising at all. Today, they appear to have one of the best fundraising teams on Earth.”

North Korean UN Ambassador Li Ing Dog told reporters in New York that the United States will have to treat his country now with more respect, including doubling food aid.

“We have proven yet again to be the superior of imperialist America. The communist system under Supreme Leader Kim Jong-in has triumphed where President Obama and his capitalist fundraisers have failed,” he said.

The US State Department issued a statement calling on North Korea to put away its destructive fundraising programs and concentrate on peaceful activities such as creating more reality TV shows for the North Korean people.