Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Santa Claus launches fundraising campaign to stop North Pole from melting

Santa Claus has announced the start of a new $750 million capital campaign to keep the North Pole from melting. Called “North Pole is Melting”, the campaign will fund the construction of a new 100-foot tall, nuclear-powered refrigerator that will keep Santa’s home and toy factory from sinking.

“Things are not so ho ho ho here at the North Pole,” said Santa. “The North Pole is melting. Thanks to global warming there’s a giant hole in the Ozone Layer above the Arctic Circle. Because of that the ice sheet that covers the North Pole is melting. So, we either raise enough money to buy this Big Fridge or we start handing out life jackets.”

The North Pole is home to Santa’s Christmas operation. It employs several thousand elves, dozens of reindeer and several humans, including Mrs. Claus. Already, Santa’s operation has felt the impact of melting ice. Some buildings have become unstable. A few elves have disappeared. If things continue, Santa says they will have to leave the North Pole and Christmas will be cancelled.

“I believe in the power of philanthropy. That’s why I thought of this campaign. I know the good boys and girls of the world will help,” said the jolly old elf.

Santa hired two sets of fundraising consultants to conduct a feasibility study for a capital campaign. The first set, Turner, Zhen and Snidely, disappeared when the building they were using for a focus group with potential donors sank. The second consultants, Big Invoice, completed the review, despite several cases of frostbite. Both consultants recommended a $750 million capital campaign.

The campaign will see a direct marketing campaign launched on Christmas Eve. All of Santa’s presents, stockings and other things will feature a QR code that links back to the NorthPoleisMelting.Com website. Santa will also ask the UN for a “donation” of 10 cents per Christmas card on behalf of the people of the world. Lead sponsors will be able to make named donations for everything from the bibs reindeers wear to Santa’s toy factory. An affinity program will also see Santa endorse a line of cookies and several large dairies. rAs well, a team of major gift officers will begin travelling the world calling on donor prospects using Santa’s sleigh the day after Christmas.

Santa will head up the campaign. Mrs. Claus will be in charge of annual giving and Dennis the Fat Elf will lead the major gifts team. Santa says they plan to make maximum use of their Christmas database.

“We’re lucky in that we have more than 1.5 billion names in our database. It keeps track of everything from their name and address to whether they have been bad or good. That’ll give us a leg up on fundraising,” he said.

“Our plan is simple. Our new 100-foot tall, nuclear-powered refrigerator will blast out cold air 24 hours a day, ensuring that the North Pole remains frozen and Santa’s toy factory remains in operation. Its tried and true legacy technology for a new age of climate change. The Big Fridge will give scientists, researchers, elves and reindeer time to figure out how to slow down Global Warming and find alternatives.”