Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Santa gets 33,567 sales calls from consultants, suppliers for North Pole capital campaign

Answering some of his million emails

The North Pole’s telephone and Internet service crashed yesterday under the weight of more than 33,000 calls and nearly one million emails from consultants and suppliers looking to get a piece of Santa Claus’ new, $750 million capital fundraising campaign – The North Pole is Melting.

The calls, emails, flowers and couriered packages from fundraising consultants the world over started arriving within hours of the announcement of the campaign earlier this month. The volume increased steadily until the telephone system and Internet went down for three hours late yesterday. At its peak, Santa received 470 voicemails alone and 3,500 emails in a 24 hour period.

“Ho, ho, hold the phone!” said Santa Claus in a statement at “I don’t mind getting calls from good girls and boys who want to chat about whether they’ve been bad or good, but this is ridiculous. These people are making it impossible for us to get ready for Christmas!”

Two consultants who got through
Santa received most of the calls from fundraising consultants. Each left an average 15 minute rambling voicemail, sent four emails, two offers to connect on Linkedin, one offer to play golf sometime/go for drinks the next time Santa is in town and one couriered portfolio of their current client roster. The Social Media consultants only sent emails, Tweets and offers to connect on Facebook since most of them don’t know how to talk to humans on the phone. More than two dozen ad agencies tried to send staff members to the North Pole on unsolicited sales calls with flowers and chocolates. Since no one told them that the North Pole’s airport is now partially underwater because of melting, half of them drown. Database experts sent emails with an average of 10 attachments each and then had at least three of their database consultants send follow-up emails explaining what the attachments meant.

The consultants didn’t just target Santa. Mrs. Claus received 100 free make-over offers and 450 dozen flowers, most of which wilted in the harsh Artic climate. Rudolph, as the chair of the campaign planning committee, was invited to address ten different fundraising associations. Others at the North Pole received pens, cooler bags, wreaths (as if they don’t have them at the North Pole), golf club sets and watches.

Turned away
“I am very pleased that so many people out there are interested in our campaign. But we don’t need more fundraising consultants, social media consultants, database consultants and consultants who know how to manage other consultants – we need donations,” said Santa.

The campaign has re-directed all incoming calls, emails, gifts, letters, UFO sightings, tweets or other social media messages to the Old Elf Home where it is hoped they will stimulate and excite the aging elves who otherwise lead dreary, lonely lives.

“I want to thank everyone who contact us about the campaign, but unless you have some money to give please bug off,” concluded Santa.

The campaign also announced that Santa would not be accepting the 567 awards for Philanthropist of the Year from various worldwide fundraising associations.