Thursday, January 16, 2014

Major kidney charity buys liver, bladder and urinary charities in massive takeover of excretory system fundraising sector

excretory take over? 

In a surprise move, Metro’s largest kidney charity has bought out the local liver, bladder and urinary charities in what experts say could be a move to corner the market on fundraising for the excretory system – the biological system that removes excess and unnecessary materials from the human body.

The Metro Kidney Trust announced late yesterday that it would be buying the Metro Liver Foundation, the Community Bladder Trust of Metro and the Urinary Association for Metro in a deal worth more than $75 million in cash and stocks. The deal, which must receive regulatory approval, will take effect next month.

Experts say the bold move will concentrate all fundraising for disorders responsible for the elimination of the waste products of the human metabolism as well as other liquid and gaseous wastes as urine and as a component of sweat and exhalation.

“This is a gutsy move by the Kidney Trust to gobble up the other parts of the human excretory charities in town. This is definitely the work of Trust CEO Dibble Brewer,” said one analyst who did not want to be identified but who looked a lot like Sam Tickman, chief stock market analyst for Metro Stocks.

Brewer, a Wall Street Investment Banker and takeover specialist, was recruited to lead the Kidney Trust last year after spending more than a decade in the corporate sector. He had been signaling a change in the marketplace for months, saying that there were too many players and too much competition for excretory-type donations.

Charity sector watchers fear that Brewer will buy the charities, keep their money-making major gift programs and jettison everything else in order to maximize the power of the Kidney Trust. Others predict Brewer will create a new super excretory charity out of the ashes of the purchases that will suck millions of dollars out of the entire fundraising sector.

Some charity leaders have criticized the move, calling the buyout “predatory”. Metro Lung Trust chair Turner Snidely says his charity was originally approached by Brewer several months ago, but they said no.

“They wanted to buy us out and pay us off. We said no. The excretory system involves several functions that are only superficially related. This is just a crazy idea that will wind up making the Kidney Trust a lot more money but will make everyone else broke. There’s no honor in that,” he said.

Brewer himself wasn’t talking yesterday, spending most of the day at a retreat with major donors and Trust officials. In a prepared statement, he did say the move was “necessary to avoid a market correction that would damage the entire charity sector of Metro.”

Employees at the bought out charities reported for work this morning feeling anxious about their work and careers.

“Yesterday, I was just in the bladder donation business. Today, I’m part of fundraising empire for the entire excretory system. It makes you wonder what’s next,” said Jimmy Olsen, copy boy at the Bladder Trust.

“I sure hope he knows what he’s doing,” said Wendy Jailnose, a planned giving officer with the Urinary Association. “Or this whole excretory could blow up in his face. And that would be icky.”