Sunday, March 16, 2014

Charity plans to sacrifice virgin fundraiser to satisfy the gods of capital campaigns

Metro’s University’s Advancement office is planning an offering to the gods of capital campaigns to ensure their $100 million “Another Gym” campaign is successful. On Friday, when the moon is full, they plan to sacrifice a virgin fundraiser on a stone altar near the site of the future third gym the campaign is raising money for.

“Our campaign is nearly ready to begin. We want everything to go well, so we thought we should satisfy the gods with an offering,” said VP Advancement Erin Snidely. “And what better than a virgin fundraiser?”

The gods of fundraising have not always smiled on the University. The last capital campaign, “The Second Gym” was only partly successful. This time, Snidely says, they’re taking no chances.

“Last time we wanted to raise $50 million, so we said our goal was just $40 million knowing that we would go way over the top. But we only raised $40 million. It was a major disaster. The gods were angry with us for our arrogance,” she said.

As well, the last campaign saw a number of signs and events that showed the gods’ displeasure. The previous VP Advancement was run over by a cement truck on its way to build the second gym. Then, the sheep entrails the University Chancellor opened up at the secret pre-launch ceremony were the wrong colour and had a bad odour. Many took the events as signs of a curse.

Snidely, who was hired a year ago to get ready for the campaign, said that this time they have taken every step possible to satisfy the gods.

A shaman was brought in early to bless the site of the third gym with water, grass smoke and chicken blood. Then fundraising staff held a two day long vision quest in a sweat lodge on the University commons. Finally, they hired a young fundraiser for sacrifice.

“We realized that the only thing that would please the gods would be the blood of the innocent. So, we hired a young, inexperienced graduate to be Director of Fundraising last month and kept her busy doing paperwork so she wouldn’t do any asking for money.”

There was a scare a week ago when the virgin fundraiser tried to solicit a two dollar pledge for the University’s staff United Way campaign. Luckily, advancement staff were quick to realize what was going on and diverted the virgin fundraiser’s attention to picking out colours for her new office.

“We almost lost it, but some quick thinking by our people kept the essence of the virgin fundraiser intact. She will be ready for the sacrifice when the time comes,” said Snidely.

“And it’s about time. This woman is so annoying. She’s always suggesting dumb ideas and wanting to create a new Facebook page.”

The hardest part of the campaign so far, says Snidely, has been doing the HR paperwork on the virgin fundraiser.

“You know how hard it is to hire someone who has to be killed? The HR guys couldn’t figure out if she was a temporary hire or a permanent employee without death benefits. Geaz!”

The sacrifice will be attended by several dozen university officials and lead donors for the campaign. Matching white, hooded robes have been purchased as well as an Obsidian knife that will be used for the ceremony.